“Over there you can’t show emotion, so you just bottle it up. But eventually it comes out – an emotional rollercoaster that’s built an internal prison of seclusion and acts of desperation to try to deal with it on my own. That isolation eventually spilled over into my personal life, my professional life. It made me realize this is not who I’m supposed to be. Night terrors, vivid memories that I don’t want to remember. So you indulge in different kinds of outlets – drugs, alcohol, sex, overworking yourself, gorging on food – it’s unhealthy and leads down to a self-destructive path.
When I woke (after the shot), it was this feeling that something had been lifted off my chest – that everything seemed brighter. I didn’t feel that sense of impending doom, like a big piano hanging over my head. I didn’t feel like I had to be on the defensive, which is something weird for me (to feel). Feeling this way – I’m overflowing with joy that I can smile! I’m not panicking, I’m not thinking who is out to get me or what’s right around the corner which was my thought process all the time. It feels good to smile – not having to fake it.”
